Growing Pains

Before anything else ..

I have just returned from a weekend holiday in Bali with close friends, and we had a BLAST! We found a great airline deal from the internet, and really the price couldn’t be beat.  So they were Lucy, Baby, Irma, Elvis and Carrie.

I met Carrie only once before the trip, my “hello” to her always came out with a slightly hostile edge.  It wasn’t that I didn’t like her, it was simply that she and I never had anything to say to each other.  Elvis, the only guy in this trip, is my drinking buddy.  He has everything a girl can ask for in a guy, he’s rich, he has a good career,  smart, cute and fun to be with.  They both were in .. well, let’s just say it’s complicated.  Lucy, Irma and Baby are my great friends who probably know all my secrets and have never judged me for them.  Some of us are opposite as night and day and as different as any people can be.  We may not always agree but we will always care for each other and be best friends.

At first, I wanted to write a usual travel journal, talking about the clubs we went to, the parties we attended, how crazy the parties were, how intoxicated we were, but then I thought this holiday was not only about all those things anymore.  I got my lessons learned.  They were something that people always say but I guess I was never ready to learn it until now.

Reality Bites

One night in Ku De Ta, six of us laid down on a soft bench, watched the sunset and listened to the sound of waves in silent. 

I closed my eyes, tried to relax, but ended up thinking about how much my life had changed.  I have had a real blur of life the past 12 months.  I felt like so many things had happened and I hit the ground.  I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat and my stomach was forever on a float mode.  I don’t think my heart had ever sunk as low as it did during that time.  My self esteem was almost zero.  I was really scared of what the future may bring.  I had doubt thoughts about my capabilities.  I was barely making enough money to pay rent, utilities, groceries and have extra money plus I was terrified of the thought of being responsible for raising my little girl alone.

I heard Carrie who sat beside me, said something with a murmur that I couldn’t hear clearly. “Hey, are you ok?” I asked her, stubbing out my cigarette.  She shrugged “I don’t know”.  “He’s not worth it” I said referring to her boyfriend .  “I know” she said “That’s why I want to go back to Jakarta tonight” I didn’t know what else to say to make her feel better, “Don’t let him get you Carrie, you are here for your birthday, stay here and let’s celebrate it”.  She sighed “What for? He doesn’t even care if I exist” She said.  “To feel the pain” my silly answer ..

It was always easy for me to say it, “to feel the pain”, I’m a pain addict, I like to feel the pain run through me.  No, I am not masochist.  It was just that every time I go through it, I become more willing to accept it as part of life and growing up, and it hurt less each time.  I would rather be hurt for a while even if it seems like forever at the time, but I would come out as a better person at the end then try to forget.

Well, she’s not me.  She flew back to Jakarta later that night.  I took her to the airport, her eyes filled with tears “I’m OK, say goodbye to everybody” she said, wiping the tears away ..

Picking up the pieces

No one is wrong here, no one is the bad guy and I’m not blaming anyone for anything.  I feel like this experience put the six of us up another notch in the growing up department.  That you should be logical without losing your heart, and emotional without losing your head. There are two sides to every story, regardless of how I feel about her situation, the other person has his own feelings about it too.

Letting go is the most painful process that someone has to go through, but it is also the most enriching.  It tests your limits and tries to knock down your strength.  But when you have won the battle, you realize you are stronger and wiser. 

Everything in our lives happen for a reason, a lot of time we got caught up in the pain and in fears that we fail to see the point.  There are lessons to be learned in situation we are put in, and if we don’t learn it, life will keep throwing it at us until we do.

I’m writing this for myself, and for my travel buddies who have had gone through their own stress, their own problems, their own heartbreaks, their own lessons in life and their own frustrations, our paths may all be different but our destination all the same ..

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am thinking with clear head. I know who I am and I know what direction I am heading to, I know what I am capable of and I know my weaknesses.  For the first time in too long, I believe that I am strong! Life is GOOD, even when it’s BAD